Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
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Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Ok, but like, how married are you?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Me in tagged photos
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no