BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
i choose….tongue
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
i actually laughed 😩
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.