My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
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(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.