ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.