me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy