(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
hmmm