Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
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If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Hey Fugeddaboutit
me logging onto twitter