It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
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Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
When life hands you women, make women laid.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
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There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)