“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
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The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.
Baffled by bra hooks.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help