would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

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“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*


The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.


My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace


her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.


Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.


DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.


Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.


my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick



I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.


Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help