would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
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Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.