It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
What about second breakfast?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit