Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?