On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.