[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
You Might Also Like
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.