Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
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how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.