I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house