I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back