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Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
What’s so funny?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*