When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Attacked by a mop.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?