my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
You Might Also Like
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?