Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
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My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car