Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
i dont have time for this
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
uncle dave has been through hell
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I’m awake but I object,
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.