I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
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Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Not messing around
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
kitchen magnet
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?