*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke