I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
S M O L
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.