If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Money is the root of all wealth
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.