My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
You Might Also Like
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal