Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
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Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.