god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
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I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
mood
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
“you changed” bro i was 15
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life