@FeralFerrell

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

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@ElgatoEsmio

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

@chainsmoonsprkl

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

@robyn_vo

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

@DreamExplosive

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

@noog

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

@The_Sculptress

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

@Storminika

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.