Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

You Might Also Like


i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand


Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.


People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.


Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.


You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.


I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.


The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.


Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.