Wake me when AI does housework
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“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better