Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
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Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on