Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
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Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Great acting.. 😂
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
absolutely not
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
You can’t outrun your problems…
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.