“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Donkey Kong sommelier
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.