How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
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Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones