[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
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Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.