People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
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BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…