People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
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This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Overindulged this afternoon.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
The internet is magic sometimes.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*