If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
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WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards