I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.