*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino