My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.