FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
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You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“our sushi is very fresh”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.