I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
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Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!