“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
X-tra spooky blend
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*