This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Cndnsd Mlk
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”