This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Mystery: OR IS IT
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?
P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us