kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
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Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
ready to be harvested
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?