The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
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WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.