Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Mistakes were made
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.