Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
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I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Them: You should try keto
Me:
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious