Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Livid.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
lost dog
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
What a website
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…