Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
sugar glider wrangler
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell