Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
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The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
There’s only one good girl here!
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?